I love Debra Wilson.

And I loved creating the recurring character “Cloret” for her.

I did not like having to completely re-write this follow-up sketch to incorporate “celebrity guest” Countess Vaughn “as herself.”  Especially since nobody knew who she was (don’t worry, we had her self-identify!), and since the best joke in the sketch was about finding a vibrator in the passenger’s bag! Which of course got cut.

The comeback Countess gives to Cloret’s UPN line truly makes no sense. 
(Not her fault!  Love you, Countess!)

THE FRIENDLY CLORET

original draft:  MADtv Season 8

written by Bruce McCoy and Sultan Pepper

INT. UNITED AIRLINES GATE CHECK IN - DAY

A HARRIED TRAVELLER DRAGGING HER BAGS, DANA (MO) RUSHES UP TO THE CHECK IN STAND WHERE SHE ENCOUNTERS CLORET (DEBRA), A THOROUGHLY UNEXCITED UNITED EMPLOYEE.

DANA

Hello, can you help me?

CLORET

Welcome to United Airlines where we love to fly I’m sure it shows my name is Cloret and I will be your gate agent this afternoon what do you want?

DANA

There was nobody at the ticket counter to check in my bags and I need to get on this flight.

CLORET

Due to the recent Chapter Eleven bankruptcy filing by United Airlines a decision was made to downsize the support staff population.

DANA

What?

CLORET

I drew the longest straw and they asses got fired.

DANA

Oh, then can you check me in here then?

CLORET

Welcome to United Airlines where we love to fly I’m sure it shows my name is Cloret and I will be your gate agent this afternoon what the hell you want?

DANA

I’m supposed to be on this plane.

CLORET

And I’m supposed to be on Wellbutrin but those psychological stabilizers made me too aggressive with my kids.

DANA

Can you just check me in, the flight is scheduled to leave in ten minutes.

CLORET

And I’m scheduled to hit perimenopause but you don’t see me rushing to that gate.

DANA

Well, thank you for the health update.  Here’s my ticket.

CLORET

Hold up, hold up.  Did I ask you for your ticket?  Don’t hurry me.  A lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.  When I need your ticket I’m gonna ask you for your ticket.  (BEAT)  Ticket please.

DANA HANDS CLORET HER TICKET.

CLORET (CONT’D)

How do you I know this is your ticket?

DANA

Well, I have a photo i.d. I can show you.

CLORET

Showing photo i.d.?  Now that’s a good idea.  Why didn’t my boss think of that?  Oh that’s right, he fired.

DANA HANDS OVER HER DRIVER’S LICENSE.

CLORET (CONT’D)

This ain’t you.  You ain’t no Donny Cafeteria.

DANA

Actually, it’s Dana Cafferty, and yes that is me.

CLORET

What kind of name is Donny for a girl? 

DANA

It’s Dana.

CLORET

What kind of name is Dana for a girl?

DANA

It’s my name.

CLORET

You don’t have no short hair.  The person on this photo i.d. has short hair.

DANA

It’s grown out since the picture.

CLORET

Shoot, man’s haircut, man’s name, man’s hands.  Looks like someone else is going through perimenopause.

DANA RETRACTS HER HANDS FROM THE COUNTER.

DANA

Look, this is the last flight to Cleveland, I need to get there tonight.

CLORET

You got a hot date with that fat guy on Drew Carey?

DANA

That fat guy is Drew Carey.

CLORET

Well thank you, Leeza Gibbons, how was I supposed to know that?  Now open up your bag, I need to check it.

DANA

Doesn’t someone from security do that?

CLORET

Due to the recent Chapter Eleven bankruptcy filing by United Airlines you’re looking at someone from security.

CLORET PULLS OUT A BADGE AND STICKS IT ON HER UNIFORM.

CLORET (CONT’D)

I am the law.  Now open your bag.

DANA HOISTS HER BAG UP ONTO THE COUNTER AND OPENS IT.  CLORET PULLS OUT A SWEATER.

CLORET (CONT’D)

Damn, this is nice.  Too nice for Cleveland.

SHE PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF HAND CREME.

CLORET (CONT’D)

Oooh, I needed this, all this digging through people’s personal items makes my knuckles ashy.

SHE STARTS RUBBING LOTION ON HER HANDS.

DANA

Can you not do that?

CLORET

And what are you hiding in this secret compartment?  

CLORET PULLS OUT A LITTLE PINK PLASTIC CASE.

DANA

Oh, that’s just my... retainer.

CLORET OPENS THE CASE, AND PULLS OUT A DIAPHRAGM.

CLORET

You got a big mouth.

CLORET TRIES TO FIT THE DIAPHRAGM IN HER MOUTH.

DANA

Please, please!  Stop doing that!

CLORET

Ma’am, I’m the head of security for United Airlines.  It’s a felony to interfere with my investigation.

CLORET PUTS THE DIAPHRAGM BACK IN HER MOUTH AND CONTINUES GUMMING IT.

CLORET (CONT’D)

Alright, you’re clear.  Here are your peanuts and a barf bag. 

CLORET HAND DANA THE ITEMS, PICKS UP THE P.A. MIC AND PUTS IT RIGHT UP TO HER MOUTH.

CLORET (CONT'D)

In the case of a water landing, your seat can be used as a floatation device.

DANA

Don’t tell me you’re the flight attendant too.

CLORET

Shoot, I’m also the ground crew, air traffic controller, and in-flight entertainment.  Tonight I’ll be reading passages from the novelization of “SWIMFAN”.  Now time to board, so follow me.

CLORET GRABS A CAPTAIN’S HAT AND PUTS IT ON.

CLORET (CONT’D)

I gotta get this bird off the ground if I want to maintain United’s perfect on-time arrival rating.

CLORET HEADS FOR THE PLANE AS DANA GRABS HER BELONGINGS AND RUNS OFF IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AS WE...

FADE OUT.