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PREHISTORIC GLAMAZON HUNTRESS: A.D.

First Draft, By Bruce McCoy and Scott King

NOTE: THE PRODUCTION VALUES ON THIS SKETCH SHOULD BE LOW, AND REMINISCENT OF CHEESY B-ACTION SERIES. THE ACTING AIN’T SO HOT EITHER. BUT ZAMULA (STEPHNIE) IS FAR AND AWAY THE WORST ACTRESS OF THEM ALL.

GRAPHIC: CHANNEL 34 STATION I.D.

CHYRON: 2:00 SHEENA

        3:00 RELIC HUNTER

        4:00 BEASTMASTER

        5:00 XENA

        6:00 PREHISTORIC GLAMAZON HUNTRESS: A.D.

(THE PREHISTORIC GLAMAZON HUNTRESS: A.D. IS HIGHLIGHTED).

LOCAL ANNOUNCER

You’re watching Channel 34.  Serving the greater Orlando Basin.  This week’s Saturday Afternoon Action Pack concludes with “Prehistoric Glamazon Huntress: A.D.”

CUT TO:

OPENING CREDITS

MUSIC THROUGHOUT CREDITS: DRIVING DRUM/SYNTHO TRACK

STOCK FOOTAGE: SOUTHWESTERN DESERT CLIFFS

COMPUTER FONT TYPES ONTO SCREEN:  HOT TUNDRA, 2000 B.C.

EXT. JUNGLE SET

ANNOUNCER

A freak split in the space-time continuum anomaly hurled two cromagnun sisters, Takka and Mikayla into the 21st century.

TAKKA (MO) AND MIKAYLA (KATHRYN) WEARING FUR BIKINIS AND GIANT WOODEN CLUBS GRUNT.

POST EFX: GLOWING GREEN LIGHT

THEY RUN TOWARD INTO THE LIGHT, AND THEN VANISH INTO IT.

CUT TO:

STOCK STILL: VENUS

COMPUTER FONT TYPES ONTO SCREEN: VENUS BIO COLONY 10,000 A.D.

EXT. JUNGLE SET

ANNOUNCER

A teleportation meltdown mishap flung Space Scientist Zamula Kincaid into the past.

ZAMULA (STEPHNIE) IN A SILVER SEXY MINI DRESS ADJUST DIALS ON A TELEPORTATION MACHINE (A CHEAP BLINKY BOX WITH DIALS AND KNOBS). SOME BAD SPARKS SHOOT OUT OF IT. SHE FREEZES IN PLACE WITH A PANICKED LOOK, HOLDS IT FOR A BEAT AND THEN SPECIAL EFFECTS (AND A BAD JUMP CUT) MAKES HER VANISH.

CUT TO:

VINTAGE STOCK FOOTAGE: EIFFEL TOWER/FRANCE (IT SHOULD BE IN COLOR, BUT THE MORE DATED IT LOOKS THE BETTER)

COMPUTER FONT TYPES ONTO SCREEN: PARIS, FRANCE, MODERN PRESENT DAY

EXT. JUNGLE SET

ANNOUNCER

An electrical storm at a Paris fashion shoot jettisoned supermodel Alexis Duvane into another dimension.

ALEXIS (DEBRA) IS POSING FOR A CAMERA.  THERE IS A BAD STROBE LIGHT EFFECT TO INDICATE LIGHTNING.  SHE FREEZES IN TERROR FOR A BEAT TOO LONG, THEN VANISHES IN ANOTHER FLASH OF LIGHT.

CUT TO:

EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE: LUSH JUNGLE

COMPUTER FONT TYPES ONTO SCREEN: RAIN FOREST, AMAZON

ANNOUNCER

Deep in the heart of the Rain Forest the women were united--

INT. JUNGLE SET

POST EFX: GLOWING GREEN LIGHT

TAKKA AND MIKAYLA RUN OUT OF THE LIGHT.

ZAMULA “MATERIALIZES” NEXT TO THEM

THERE IS A FLASH OF LIGHT AND ALEXIS “APPEARS”.

THEY STAND IN PLACE, BUT LOOK AROUND CONFUSED AND SCARED.

ANNOUNCER

But then a nucleic radioactive mist sprayed the four strangers--

REDDISH SMOKE ROLLS IN. THE GIRLS ALL START TO SCREAM.

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)

Transforming them into Glamazon Huntresses!

THE SMOKE CLEARS TO REVEAL ALL FOUR, WITH CONSIDERABLY MORE MAKEUP, AND HI GLAM HAIR-DO’S. THEIR OUTFITS HAVE ALSO CHANGED TO BE VARIOUS LEATHER CAT SUITS, BIKINIS, AND MINIDRESSES SO THEY LOOK LIKE S&M ACTION STARS. ALL WEAR STILETTO BOOTS.

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)

Now their only hope for getting home is to find the Lost Emerald of the Incas, guarded by forces beyond their wildest imagination. 

MUSIC CHANGES: ACTION MELODY KICKS IN

GRFX: PREHISTORIC GLAMAZON HUNTRESS: A.D

WE NOW GO TO QUICK SOFT FOCUS CLOSE-UPS ON EACH OTHER WOMEN FOR CREDITS.

UNDER MO CHYRON: STARRING CHERI SHELDON AS TAKKA

UNDER KATHRYN CHYRON: TRACEE LEIGH DESMOND AS MIKAYLA

UNDER DEBRA CHYRON: CHARMé AS ALEXIS

UNDER STEPHNIE CHYRON: AND INTRODUCING REBECCA FINKLEBERG AS ZAMULA

UNDER ALL FIVE POSING CHYRON: CREATED BY DR. AND MRS. IRA FINKLEBERG

UNDER ALL FIVE POSING CHYRON: EXECUTIVE PRODUCED BY DR. AND MRS. IRA FINKLEBERG

CUT TO:

LIMBO - WHITE SCREEN

CHRYON UP: “RENDEZVOUS WITH DANGER!”

CUT TO:

EXT. JUNGLE SET

ZAMULA STANDS WITH TAKKA AND MIKAYLA, PREPARING DINNER.  ENTER ALEXIS WITH GIANT STRAWBERRIES.

ALEXIS

Look, Huntresses.  I was foraging.

TAKKA

Excellent work, Alexis.

MIKAYLA

These berries look sweet.

TAKKA

Sweet indeed, Mikayla.

TAKKA AND MIKAYLA EXCHANGE SULTRY GLANCES THAT GO ON FOR A LITTLE BIT TOO LONG.

ZAMULA

Not so fast, huntresses!  Look!

THE HUNTRESSES NOTICE THAT THERE IS FOAM ON ONE OF THE BERRIES.

TAKKA, MIKAYLA, ALEXIS

What the?

ZAMULA

A mysterious foam.

ALEXIS

Could this be a clue about the Lost Emerald of the Incas?

ZAMULA

Of course! To the berry patch!

THE WOMEN TAKE OFF RUNNING.

MUSIC: ACTION THEME

THE WOMEN RUN ACROSS OUT OF FRAME.

CUT TO:

INT. JUNGLE SET

SLOW MOTION: THE WOMEN RUN ACROSS THE SAME SET.

CUT TO:

INT. JUNGLE SET

THE WOMEN RUN ACROSS THE SAME SET IN A  DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

CUT TO:

INT. JUNGLE SET

SLOW MOTION: THE WOMEN RUN ACROSS THE SAME SET.

CUT TO:

INT. JUNGLE SET

THE WOMEN RUN ACROSS THE SAME SET IN A  DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

CUT TO:

INT. JUNGLE SET

THE WOMEN WALK IN FROM THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION THEY WERE RUNNING OUT OF BREATH.

MUSIC OUT

ZAMULA

Excellent work, huntresses! (BEAT) We’re almost there!

MUSIC BACK IN

THEY RUN OUT OF FRAME.

CUT TO:

INT. JUNGLE SET

THE WOMEN RUN ACROSS THE SAME SET IN A  DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

CUT TO:

INT. JUNGLE SET

SLOW MOTION: THE WOMEN RUN ACROSS THE SAME SET.

CUT TO:

INT. JUNGLE SET

THE WOMEN RUN ACROSS THE SAME SET IN A  DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

CUT TO:

INT. JUNGLE SET

THE SET IS SLIGHTLY REDRESSED WITH A PATCH OF GIANT STRAWBERRIES.

ALEXIS

Zamula I didn’t even notice the foam before!

ANGLE DOWN TO THE PATCH, THERE IS FOAM EVERYWHERE.

ZAMULA

Do not fret Alexis. You are not a scientist from the future. As I am.

MIKAYLA

It looks dangerous! Let me see.

MIKAYLA SCOOPS UP A HANDFUL OF FOAM, AND EATS IT.

TAKKA

Mikayla no!

MIKAYLA LETS OUT A WHIMPER AND PASSES OUT.

TAKKA (CONT’D)

Nooooo!

SHE CRADLES MIKAYLA

ZAMULA

There’s nothing I can do.

ALEXIS

Now we will never get home.

TAKKA

Good bye sweet Mikyala

SHE LEANS IN TO KISS HER FOREHEAD

MUSIC UP: PORN

WE NOW GO TO A SERIES OF SOFT FOCUS DISSOLVES OF MIKAYLA KISSING TAKKA ON THE FOREHEAD AND CHEEK

INTERCUT WITH GLYCERIN TEARS STREAMING DOWN TAKKA’S FACE

MUSIC OUT

SFX: BLOWDART GUN

CLOSE ON ALEXIS BOOT. A BLOW DART STICKS OUT OF IT.

ALEXIS

It’s a trap!

MUSIC UP: ACTION

SIX HEAD HUNTERS (EXTRAS) ALL WITH COMPLETELY RIPPED BODIES, IN AS SKIMPY LOIN CLOTHS AS IS POSSIBLE, RUN IN

ZAMULA

Huntresses Attack now!

ZAMULA, ALEXIS, AND TAKKA SWING INTO ACTION. THE FIGHT SEQUENCE BEGINS WITH STANDARD KICKBOXING FARE, BUT SOON DEGENERATES INTO MORES SUGGESTIVE MOVES.

ALEXIS ROLL DIVES INTO A HAND STAND, AND WRAPS HER LEGS AROUND A HEADHUNTER’S NECK, AND CHOKES HIM.

ZAMULA LEAPS AT ONE OF THE HEADHUNTERS AND STRADDLES HIM, POUNDING ON HIS CHEST TIL HE COLLAPSES

TAKKA TRIPS AND FALLS INTO MUD (WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY A SLIGHTLY CONCEALED KIDDIE POOL FILLED WITH MUD, SHE BEGINS TO WRESTLE WITH THE OTHER HUNTERS IN THE MUD. HER TOP FALLS OFF DURING THE BATTLE REVEALING A VERY SKIMPY BRA.

AT A RANDOM MOMENT ALL OF THE HEADHUNTERS DROP, UNCONSCIOUS.

ZAMULA (CONT’D)

Excellent work huntresses.

MIKAYLA SITS UP

MIKAYLA

What happened?

ZAMULA

My cure worked!

SFX: GROWLING

A GIANT ANT COMES INTO FRAME

ALEXIS

It’s a trap!

TAKKA

The Antasaurus!

ZAMULA

Huntresses Attack now!

THEY GET INTO THEIR ACTION POSE

ANT VOICE

I come in peace. I know where the Lost Emerald of the Incas is! If you want to get home follow me!

THEY WOMEN LOOK TO EACH OTHER CONFUSED.

CHYRON UP: TO BE CONTINUED...

MUSIC UP: THEME STING

FADE OUT

Sometimes they would just let us have fun on MADtv.

“Prehistoric Glamazon Huntress, A.D.” was one of those times.

All the bad-acting actresses had fun with their roles and really rose to the occasion, with a special hat tip to the genius Stephnie Weir.

Katheryn Fiore played the first of about four different Mikaylas, due to the revolving talent door on MADTv at the time, but we kind of worked that into the sketches. Including this one with special guest huntress Gillian Barberie!